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Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.
Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well With My Solo."
Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.
If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.
Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."
Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.
Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.
The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church boared.
As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.
Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
For the word of God is quick and powerful, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.
We pray that our people will jumble themselves.
The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other
items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple
children.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which
the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church
and community.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The
Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the
birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir
practice.
The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak,
mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be
served for a nominal feel.
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get
High."
Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the
addition of several new members and to the deterioration of
some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation
who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
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Dressed for Church
One Sunday morning, the congregation
of a ritzy church, with vaulted ceilings,
hand-carved oak pews, stained class windows,
and a deep plush carpet, had a stir.
A man came in just minutes before the service
was to begin. He was dressed terribly, had
on ratty old boots, a dirty flannel shirt, jeans
and a filthy cowboy hat. Besides that he must
have not heard of deodorant. The congregation
was not happy!
Several sent notes to the minister about their
concern. So at the end of the service, the pastor
greeted the wretchedly attired man and asked
him if he enjoyed the service. The fellow
exclaimed wholeheartedly that he had.
The minister invited him back but said, "Next
time you come, please dress properly and take
a shower. I want you to pray and ask Jesus
about how He would want you tot dress if you
returned to His house." The fellow said he
would.
Next week he came back, .dressed the same
way. Once again the congregation was very
upset. At the end of the service, the minister
greeted the fellow and asked, "Did you ask
Jesus about how to dress for church here?"
"Oh yes," said the man, "I surely did."
"And, what did He say to you," persisted
the pastor.
"Well," said the fellow, "Jesus told me He
didn't know how I should dress for this church,
because He's never been here."
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Contented Marriage
.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the
town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring
as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," Explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down the bottom
of the canyon by pack mule.
"We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My
wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little
farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife
quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half mile
when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly
removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him.
" I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when
she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'
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Top 10 Signs You're at a Bad Baptism Service:
10. The Coast Guard is involved.
9. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.
8. Pastor wears scuba gear.
7. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from
"Jaws."
6. The preacher uses a "Billy the Bass" singing
"Take Me to the River" instead of the traditional
"Shall We Gather at the River?".
5. You keep hearing the pastor saying, "Oops! Honestly,
sister; I didn't know about that drop-off!"
4. The pastor can't get the rather large person being
baptized back up out of the water and calls for help.
3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.
2. Just as the choir starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of
the water and wrestles the preacher into submission.
AND THE NO. 1 SIGN YOU'RE AT A BAD BAPTISM SERVICE:
1. Two Words: Alka Seltzer
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Saying Grace
A minister was hiking in the woods one day when he came face-to-face with a grizzly bear. Knowing he couldn't out run the creature, the minister dropped to his knees and prayed: "Oh, Lord, have mercy on me. Your humble servant. Lord, please, if I could ask one thing ... please make this bear a Christian." Just then, the minister heard a thud. Looking up, he saw the bear on its knees with its front paws together, as if in prayer. The minister heaved a sigh of relief. But then he heard the bear say, "Lord, bless this meal that I am about to receive."
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Secrets Wed
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day
approached, they grew
apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never
before shared with
anyone, not even each other. The groom- to-be,
overcoming his fear,
decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he
said, "I am
deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have
very smelly feet
and I'm afraid that my fiancee will be put off by
them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash
your feet as
often as possible and always wear socks, even to
bed."
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take
her problem up
with her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the
morning, my
breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad
breath in the
morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so
bad, I'm afraid
that my fiancee will not want to sleep in the same
room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning,
get straight out
of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast.
While the family
is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush
your teeth. The
key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your
teeth."
"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the
daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not
forgetting the advice
each had received, he with his perpetual socks and
she with her
morning silence, they managed quite well. That is,
until about six
months later.
Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes
with a start to
find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of
the
consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This,
of course,
wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What
on earth are
you doing?"
"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"
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Faith
The fields were parched and brown from lack of rain, and the crops lay wilting
from thirst. People were anxious and irritable as they searched the sky for any
sign of relief. Days turned into arid weeks. No rain came.
The ministers of the local churches called for an hour of prayer on the town
square the following Saturday. They requested that everyone bring an object of
faith for inspiration.
At high noon on the appointed Saturday the townspeople turned out en masse,
filling the square with anxious faces and hopeful hearts. The ministers were
touched to see the variety of objects clutched in prayerful hands - holy books,
crosses, rosaries.
When the hour ended, as if on magical command, a soft rain began to fall.
Cheers swept the crowd as they held their treasured objects high in gratitude
and praise. From the middle of the crowd one faith symbol seemed to
overshadow all the others: A small nine-year-old child had brought an umbrella.
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Three Buildings
A man had been shipwrecked and stranded alone on a deserted
island for 20
years. Just as he had lost all hope, he spotted a ship on
the horizon. He
quickly lit a signal fire and caught the ship's attention.
When the ship arrived at the island, the captain came ashore
and noticed
that the man had constructed three buildings. "Excuse
me," the captain
said, "but you have been alone on this island for 20
years. Why did you
build three different houses?"
The man replied, "Just the one on the left is my house.
The one on the
right is my church."
The captain, impressed but now even more curious, asked,
"But what about
the building in the center?"
The man answered, "Oh, that's the church I used to
attend."
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Having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the
house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and
somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the
handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the
motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her
husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next
to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and
summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the
wife
went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the
paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported
the
husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it
outside. Since gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some
papers
towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The
husband was treated at the hospital
and was released to come home.
After arriving home, he looked at the
shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became
despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a
cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs
into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the
kitchen,
heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the
bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been
blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his
legs
and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone and called for an
ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them
at
the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began
carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the
street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how
the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started
laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher over and dumped the
husband out.
He
fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
Now THAT is a bad day...
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Wrong Answer
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer
company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to
determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked
to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the
questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said,
"Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job
to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions
correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on
the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the
other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the department manager. "Your fellow applicant
put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither
do I.'"
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Who's Going to Stop Me?
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel
giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not
supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
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You Might be a Protestant
1. If you believe you are supposed to take a covered dish to
heaven.
2. If you have never sung the third verse of any hymn.
3. If you have ever put an IOU in the collection plate.
4. If you complain because your Pastor only works one day a
week and then he works too long.
5. If you think God's presence is always strongest in the
back three pews.
6. If you think "Victory in Jesus" is the
national anthem.
7. If the first complete sentence you uttered was
"We've never done it this way before."
8. If you judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of
sweat worked up by the preacher.
9. If your definition of "fellowship" has
something to do with food.
10. If you think worship service music has to be loud.
11. If you think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and
unsalted crackers.
12. If you think preachers who wear robes are in cahoots
with the Catholics.
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Preacher and Choir Director
Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in
the congregation. But when the Pastor and choir director get
into it, stand aside.
One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we
should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led
the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we
should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir
director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.'
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how
we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The
Story.'
The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the
next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering
resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'
When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church
that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away.
The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'
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Calling God
It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about
churches
around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started
working east from there. He went to a very large church and began
taking
photographs, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is
intrigued
with a sign which reads "$10,000 a minute."
Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor
answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and
if
he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and
continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle,
Boise,
Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta, and on around the
United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same
answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, lo and
behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign
reads
"Calls 25 cents."
Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been
in
cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden
telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I
could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a
minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very easy to
explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course, it's a local call
from here."
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Fundamentalist Pet
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own
an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog
they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible,
he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23,
he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were
impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new
fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called in the dog and
showed off a little. The friends were impressed and asked whether
the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This
stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
"Well," they said, "Let's try this out." Once more they called
the dog and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick
as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead,
closed his eyes in concentration and bowed his head.
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Floral Mistake
A new business was opening and one of the owner's
friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at
the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had
told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the
florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather
than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a
funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
"Congratulations on your new location."
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From Dust
A little boy came home
from Sunday School and went into his room
to change clothes.
When he emerged, he asked his mother,
"Is it true that we came from dust?" His
mother replied, "Yes, dear. God made us
from dust."
The kid ran back into his room and came
out all excited. "Mom, I just looked under
my bed, and there's somebody either coming
or going!"
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Teacher's Pet
On a special Teachers' Day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is, some flowers."
"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what it is, a box of candy." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," the teacher said.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held it overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No" the boy replied, obviously delighted that he was the first student to at least temporarily defy the teacher's apparent insight.
The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the clearly delighted boy answered. Once again the teacher tasted the leakage and finally ,"I give up, what is it?"
The boy enthusiastically replied, "It's a puppy!"
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Hokey Pokey
I don't usually pass on news like this. I know you are busy, but sometimes
we have to pause and truly remember what life is about, so I pass on this
sad, sad news. There was a great loss today in the entertainment world.
The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible is
that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg
in, and ... well, you know the rest.
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